Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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