I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
