Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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