our cab driver is having phone sex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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