He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
