and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
porn star boner night. come get it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
