Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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