Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
