Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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