If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
