ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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