youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
