So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
