If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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