He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I could make wine with my vomit
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
