Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
