I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
