I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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