we're chasing vodka with high fives
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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