i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
