My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Randomize
