I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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