Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you would pick up someone in the library
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
