yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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