He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
