He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
