hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
