ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
