dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
