I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
