I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
