I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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