Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
