I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Im part way to drunk.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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