girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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