I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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