Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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