i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
