I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
