I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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