he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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