He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
