I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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