I just saw a hot homeless man
I look better un-naked...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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