I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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