I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
