I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
