I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
