i already hear my dad disowning me
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Less talking, more tequila
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
