broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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