Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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