Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Enjoy the penises
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
